dear littlest one,
i hope my words reach your tiny beating heart
because i'll never get to know your face,
to feel your fingers and toes,
or whisper in your ear.
but a heart is all you need to hear me.
so, i'm going to talk,
..and i know that you'll listen.
it was a snowy Christmas evening when something more than holiday spirit permeated my veins.
a warm rush and dizzying tingle came over me.
like moon dust sprinkled above me,
a cool shimmer dusted over my eyes;
but my core was warm with radiant, gold silken lava.
my next breath, the deepest inhale my lungs had ever drawn, effortlessly.
the air echoed against my throat as the breath turned into a gasp.
with lifted brows, my eyes closed for a moment to reopen with brand new sight.
crystalline tree lights reflected brightly in my irises,
mirroring the glow in my illuminated surprise.
in my every bone, my every cell, my steady pulse,
..i knew, i was no longer breathing just for one.
days passed, my spine tingled,
my face flushed;
oxygen seemed scarce, but had never been more vital.
it's true, darling, i was so afraid.
i couldn't possibly believe what my body was telling me.
by day, i convinced myself i was much too far ahead of myself.
..it had been the winter air that instilled any value to the word 'family'.
but at night,
alone in my room,
when i wasn't sleeping,
i met you.
the ceaseless hours spent only with you,
my hand always unconsciously crept its way to gently rest on my stomach,
to your infinite energy;
to your life.
we spent our nights alone, but together.
with the morning's sun, daylight hours became much the same.
chaos may have been swirling around,
yet, in my instinctive need to cover you, save you from the commotion,
..hush out the sound with the press of a palm --
i'd find each time i did, your presence was calming me.
we spent each day alone, but together.
time moved so slowly when i was nearer to you.
bodies moved illogical lapses,
while i stood still among the phantasms,
mesmerized by the beauty of our secret world.
i fell in love, little one.
some days my heart would pound so hard, my ribs rattled from the vibration.
the intensity tripped, stuttered, and rushed my breathing.
i was exasperated.
not from fear.
not from panic.
not even excitement
the fluttered awe was insurgence of a love so strong my auricles couldn't keep up.
i was full and overflowing.
never could i have imagined feeling this way,
surely only terror and worry should accompany me now.
instead, all i knew was i was no longer me alone;
my blood vessels shared,
my cells borrowed,
i would give you my own life if the world called for it,
..just as you gave me mine.
days marked on a calendar page proved my intuition as truth,
confirmation i wasn't fooled by my own body all these weeks.
i invited your daddy into our world once i was sure you were far from imaginary.
and, little one?
he loved you.
never did he run, flinch or falter.
he wanted to be by your side, our side, immediately.
he would have hopped a plane that moment to hold you just as i did at night.
we were scared, uncertain, unsteady;
but quickly, after shock dissipates,
love pervades all.
it trumps fear, doubt, shame and the unknown.
with a calm voice he'd say to us:
he was there.
it was going to be okay.
we'd see each other soon,
and he'd reach out his distant hand for you and he never let go.
i'd gotten really sick, little love.
for twenty-four hours of each day i rested alone, with just you and no one else.
i may have been unwell, but we slept softly on a white cotton quilt with lullabies made for child hearts soft and smooth and comforting.
too weak to move, i would lay there and together we'd think about the future.
every time i closed my eyes,
visions would dance around, projected on the screens of my eyelids.
showing me your growing body,
but more vividly, more intense than that,
..pictures of the figure you'd one day be.
big blue eyes like your daddy,
thick dark hair like us both.
fair, baby-soft cheeks and skin,
eyelashes for days - as his are.
tiny hands and little feet waving at the world.
your spirit inside showing my mind's eye the gaps i couldn't yet see or feel.
i awaited the day of our first contact;
even through the wall of my abdomen,
we could finally touch hand-to-hand.
with all ten fingers, i'd surround you tight, and patiently await that day.
more than anything, little one?
i wanted you to be near your daddy.
only a couple of weeks and you'd be in his presence.
he was so excited for you.
defying the inevitable fear and uncertainty;
he wanted you.
i couldn't wait until we all met in his home,
he could wrap his arms around us both.
you'd finally get to feel his love, not just hear me tell you about it.
he was strong for you, brave for you, waiting for you.
our bond would be complete when we were all in the same room.
that's all i wanted for you now.
being unwell had given me a full week spent curled up in that room to pray.
determined to get well for you,
we found our way back to health.
but, i wouldn't have traded the sickness over those endless days we spent alone.
i got to feel you, know you, love you more.
my mind could see you already somehow.
..want to know what i saw, lovie?
nearly every time, i always saw this precious little boy.
ya little rascal!
with toy trucks, trains and mud on your face.
your bright smile made me smile,
made him smile.
..you would brighten a grey world, darling.
little love, it's hard, but i want you to know this part.
it was a tuesday's midnight hours, wednesday's early morning.
restless and unable to sleep,
a shiver came over me.
i sat up with weary hesitance.
my veins had become icicles snapping.
they were strangled, denied access to flow.
i was asphyxiated beneath my leaden chest.
each breath shallow and rasping as my energy dwindled;
..i tried anything to make my pressured frame lift to expand.
my hands numb and painted deep blue,
all colour drained from my pallid face.
delirious, i tried placing my feet on the floor to stand.
but my own cadaverous limbs nearly collapsed beneath me.
barely reaching the landing, that's when the pain began.
more searing and seething than there are words to articulate,
i fought for consciousness between the fiery stabs.
falling limp on the bathroom floor,
the fluorescent light glared off my lashes, occluding my sight.
blinded by its refraction, my eyes fell back and swam.
my lids weighted heavy to close, and
one cool, reticent tear slid down my cheek.
with the sunrise, i came to -- there on the bathroom tiles.
the pain had subsided, but i was dead.
..no more than a walking zombie and an absent stare.
somehow i drove to the women's clinic on autopilot, alone.
i don't remember the stack of papers i signed,
or how i'd gotten to my room,
i don't remember changing, or the blood drained from my arm.
[i likely would have fought it, sure there was none left to draw.]
all i can recall is this distant voice from an endless tunnel,
a faceless women in a white room of haze.
she uttered the words that could break glass,
"you lost the baby. i'm so sor--"
she continued for what felt like hours, but i heard no sound.
drifting away, i stared straight beyond sinking eyelids, but saw nothing at all.
i felt life seep out of my pores and leak to the floor all over again.
i wasn't angry or sad,
i was nothing.
..nothing, but empty.
so quickly i became non-existent without you.
how could you be gone, but i'm still here?
i should've gone with you.
i didn't want a pulse if i lost yours.
i craved for that sparkle,
that connection when i'd place my hand low.
now, it felt chilled, hollow, vacant ..dead.
and, oh god, how could i tell your daddy?
he'd be so devastated.
i couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't .. function without you.
words became meaningless,
sounds were only deafening or inaudible,
vision only blank or a blur.
i held my hand where you used to be the whole way home.
i don't know how i made it there, but by a miracle i did.
crawling up the stairs, i found my way to our bed we'd shared.
paralyzed, i faded into an unresponsive sleep,
devoid of comfort, of life, or of purpose.
baby? i did everything i could, everything i knew how.
we knew it would be hard, but sweetheart, we were ready.
i prayed for hours that this had been a nightmare, some sick dream.
maybe when i awoke on this bed, you'd still be right here.
the world couldn't take you from me!
not now; i'd only just held on.
i never imagined this in my wildest dreams,
but little love, you stole my every thought, my whole world;
and i was more than happy to give you each and every one.
i only just got to know you,
wait for you,
dream of your face.
and just like that .. you were gone.
your heart had been ticking strong, little one.
your soul alive.
i may not have you with me now,
but, your spirit remains.
so, i'm here to tell you:
i love you.
more than my own existence.
i miss you.
..but i trust in our Lord that your life is more treasured with Him than in this cruel, dark world.
he wanted to be here.
he aches for you, too.
the timing was just all wrong;
but gosh, little one, did he care.
i wanted you two to meet,
..but i believe you know who your daddy is.
you are special.
you taught me to be fully alive and the gift of an innocent heart like yours.
you taught me of my unknown strength.
you even nurtured me when it was only my greatest honour to nurture you.
i gave my all, darling, but i know you know that.
i know i'll need to move on,
and i will. we all will.
just not until i said how much
i loved you
.and always will.
because i still hear your heart beating,
i had to speak to it these words.
and know you'll hear them.
i miss you.
we miss you.
and, i'm just so sorry.
..but child, i will always love you,
and, never forget you.
with radiant love,
[and daddy, too!]