no, not julie.

Picture This…
_{November 22, 2004. Two days after mourning the one-year anniversary of Earl's passing.
17 years old.}


"Hello? Um, yeah, just a second... Can I ask who's calling?
Kristie!! Telephone...? It's a girl named Casey; says she's from Renfrew..?"

"Eeek!" I squealed as I hurdled over the couch to grab the phone. As I ran up the stairs to my room, I exploded into the phone, "Hey roomie!! How in the world have you been?? It's only been like, a couple months since I've seen your face!"

"Yeah.. it's been a long time -- but it's good to hear your voice again." she mumbled quietly into the phone.

"So, tell me for real -- no lying -- how've you been doing? Keeping in touch with anyone else much?"

I wasn't much for talking on the phone, but the excitedness of hearing from her made me pace and dance a bit around my room while talking to her.

"I'm doing okay, I guess; that's -- "

I cut her off, "Casey! You're always a million miles an hour, you expect me to believe a somber 'doin okay, I guess' is even a little bit true??"

"Ha, yeah, I suppose you're right. But, actually, well -- have you been keeping up with Julie much since we left?" I almost thought I heard her sniffle a bit, but she seemed too calm for tears.

"Yeah, we've kept up through emailing all the time and Christmas cards, snail mail, phone calls, ya know. Still planning on becoming nuns together and continuing the search for all her marbles. Why? You guys have been hanging out regularly I'm sure."

"Well, that's actually why I'm calling you..." Her voice drifted. This was not the Casey I knew at all.

"Case, what's wrong?" I stopped pacing and listened intently for any hint of sound on the other end of the telephone.

"I, uh, I got a call from Julie's parents last night. They said -- they..."

"Casey what happened?? Is she back in the hospital, what??"

"No, no. ..not that. Um. ..she died, Kristie. She overdosed on a bunch of things, and before anyone found her it was far too late."

I froze. I lost all feeling in my hands; the phone started to slip, but I caught it against my chest. My eyes stared deadpan forward at the wall as it morphed into a movie screen. As I lifted the phone back to my ear, I muttered something that sounded like, "Are you sure? I -- I don't know what.. She ? Big Jules. My Big Jules..."

As I mumbled sentence fragments into the receiver, the movie screen on the wall played scenes from our months together living across the hall. Watching her make a guitar for her boyfriend instead of participating in art therapy, tackling each other in the hallways at bedtime just to see if we could wake other patients up, talking about converting her to a non-virginal nun, the night she slipped in the bathroom and lost her memory, playing rebel by snatching her sandwich and taking it to the dumpsters two buildings down, all our inside jokes about Dawn, chilling in her room with Sarah, playing volleyball in the living room while everyone else was trying to watch the OC, signing each other's day-schedules for groups we didn't attend, pretending to be sisters at every MFG meeting. Big Jules. MY Big Jules. My girl. My friend. My strength. My buddy and friend for life.

Casey started to tell me something I could hear from a haze, "I know that it's far, but the services will be held here in New York on ----"

I tuned out all she said. I was temporarily deaf. All I could hear in my head was this roaring Julie laughter in my head after a night of pure hilarity...we'd hit the peak of filthy jokes and the first time I'd seen a true, unpained smile and a belly laugh like she's never made since I'd known her. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever witnessed; and it was all that was filling my head. I stood and stared. And stared. And stared.
Eventually though. I could faintly hear Casey telling me more details and what she'd called to tell me, and the phone just fell limp in my hand and crashed to the floor below me. The crash didn't even startle me. I didn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't picture her gone. Not my sister at heart. Not Julie.

I'd known she'd tried to do this once before in the past year; I should've stepped up being a friend, flown out to see her more, called more, checked in more, sent her funny pictures more....been there for her to remind her life is valuable and beautiful. I should have made a bigger effort so she would know she was loved, irreplaceable, amazing, and wonderful. But, I didn't -- and now she's gone.

I couldn't even comprehend making travel arrangements to get to the services, but at some point I realized the phone was lain across my foot. As I snapped out of my paralysis, I apologized to Casey relentlessly, but she promised it was okay. But, poor Casey, she's been making these phone calls to us all day. How many dropped phones did she hear? How many of us burst into tears? How many of us screamed out praying it wasn't true and we were dreaming? How was Casey doing all this? And, WHY?! WHY IS JULIE GONE?!?!

"Case--, I don't... I don't know what to say. I don't know if I'll see you there or not. I -- I'm not I cou--. Are you--? You can't be doing all--. I'm just so so so so sorry Casey." I started to melt down, but I had to be strong for her. She's been doing this all day. Casey was my roommate, I was her other half; I would carry this burden with her and help her with this task.

"I know, Kristie. I know. I haven't felt a thing since I heard, but I needed you to know right away and then we can keep telling the rest of us."

"....I love you, Casey. I love you."

"And I love you, Kristie. We'll get through this, I promise."

"I don't know how, but together we'll make it. We'll do it for Julie. Our Big Jules forever."

"Forever." she said.

We said our goodbyes.
I never made the services.
I've never said goodbye to you my precious Jules.
This Sunday, I will buy a rose in your honor.
I will keep it forever.
Forever.







I will always miss you; but, I will always love you more.














_{p.s. …anyone beginning to notice why I have such a deathly phobia of telephones?}