it's not like you didn't all see this coming.
i don't upload art.
i don't return comments often.
i haven't been thanking anyone for faves.
i don't log onto my groups i should be managing.
i don't update my journal because of fear.
i don't make polls anymore really.
i don't do features and news articles or contests.
i'm barely online at all on dA.


i've seen this happen so many times to artists i love and i hate that i'm becoming one of them.
but, now you have it:
my official dA resignation/hiatus.


i'll still be viewing art (commenting and faving; just not as frequently.)
i may upload a picture or writing when it comes to me.
and i'll habitually check comments and maybe reply to some of them.
(they'll all remain in my inbox and not deleted after being read in case i decide to return)
but, this place has become an unsafe place for me now,
i've become overwhelmed,
and though i've considered starting a new account;
that'd never be the same as this one.



i don't know when i'll return.
i don't know if i'll EVER be active again.
i just don't know.
but for reasons i can't express,
i just.. can't be here like i could before.

i love you all.

thank you for everything you've given me.
this feels like a death,
but i'm not leaving forever.
at least,
not quite like we usually see here.

if you were _unfortunate enough for me to have your phone number, you received a text message with the following sentiment.  but, there are, of course, many, many other people i'd like to extend the same wishes to and spread my words of gratitude on toward.  so, i've decided to comprise a note here and share with those i wasn't able to earlier.
_{[*cough* this also means if you'd like to give me your number, i'd be much obliged.]}

so, at an ungodly hour of the morning, a text with a photo of a girl holding a dear friend, with their backs to the camera as they overlook an incredible mountainside - along with a radiant, infectious song promising today is a beautiful day - was sent, and i shared these words:

Wishing you a beautiful, meaningful Thanksgiving day.  Tell me of two things you're filled with sincere gratitude for most.  I know that I'm reflecting on sobriety, the gift of endless 'second chances' given by those around me, as well as my life that is continually rescued.  I'm passionately thankful for the friends who have *yet* to give up on me, and for new friends who selflessly accept my past and still-unsteady present and, in doing so, help me to bloom.  I'm thankful for things like forgiveness, the new chapters and hope in the book of my health, and the opportunity to work with Stefanie come January. I'm appreciative of failing and what it's taught me, for silent inner strength that reveals itself when you think you've none at *all*.  and? ..i'm thankful for you.  Thank you for who you are and the role you've played in my life.  I care a lot about you and the reciprocation means more than I can say, really. May this be the most cherished and special Thanksgiving you've had.

    <3 kristie

so, with that, i hope that you do share with me here at least two things you're full of gratitude for.  and, may you also know as truth that if i tagged you now, i care for you deeply and am extremely grateful to be able to call you a friend.  maybe i've known you since childhood, perhaps for a couple years, or possibly you're in the handful of fresh faces i've just come to know and already adore.  i love the place you hold in my life and strive to never take it for granted.  thank you for the things i've already shared my appreciation for, and most importantly, for all the things i sadly never did.  i assure you there are probably infinite instances of the latter.  i apologize for the unstructured and flightiness in this expression of thanks, but i've been awake much too long and am falling asleep on the job.  but, that means i actually care more because i'm determined to get this out there, even if waiting means i could've come up with something better composed, more articulate and far more moving.  but, for all the times you've helped me in the middle of the night through feigning eyelids and all the other times you've fought for me through your exhaustion - this is me doing the same as an attempt to mirror your selflessness and show that for eternity i would, and will always, do the same for you.

thank you for your beauty.  for your friendship.  for your laughs.  for your hugs.  for your trust.  for your encouragement.  for your patience.  for every unique thing about you that plants you in the book of Kristie's Friends.  (it's a good book; you should read it sometime!)

and to those of you who got the text and are now reading this a second time, i hope the additional commentary means something to you and was worth the time.

_{[ahem, it's also my time to apologize for the hour of morning i sent the message to you as i was NOT thinking about it until the deed was already done.  but, you already know - as the friend of insomniac kristie - this is FAR from the first time you've received something at that time of day from me while i mindlessly forget that the world moves to the hand of a clock that my mind does not conceptualize properly.  eeps.. sorries??] *shameface*}


happiest thanksgiving everyone.  now let's hear the glories pour from YOU.  YOUR turn.





ALSO
i'm sorry that it took me so long to post these.
but, i'm actually on day 77 today;
if you click on the photos, it'sll take you to my FB page
where you can like and comment your thoughts on the there.
_{[that way i get to 'like' your comments back! hahahaha!]}

HMMMMMMS....
well, for some reason the photos aren't showing?
anyone know why?

you'll have to go to just links:
www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbi…
_{["sorry it took me so long to post these. today is really day 77 for me. thankfulness is an understatement, so i won't even couple the feelings around this with those circling thanksgiving praises "]}

on.fb.me/gW4XEh
_{["received on the same night that my dad received his 23 year chip. i'm only 22 years, 307 days behind him"]}

on.fb.me/eTAUxI
_{["......and as always, the serenity prayer. though, i took notice that this chip is ina different font quite sophisticated!
'God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.'
♥"]}


let me know what you think?
and tell me your thankfulnesses!

Dear Earl,
Last night, when it hit midnight and the date on my phone changed - those numbers staring back at me - my heart sunk.
I made it through June's losses.
....but it's today.
There's something about today that is making me so sick to my stomach.
Maybe it's that it's more real to me here.
Last year I was 600+ miles away and hating the distance.
Now, I'm right here, in my home. So close to you.
......and I can't take it.
Maybe it's that I spent the whole past year destroying myself in an actual attempt to keep myself alive because I no longer wanted to live.
.......i've been fighting the desire to live or not to for nearly a full year now.
And maybe that's what I can't take it. Nothing I do, no matter how deep I dig, I can't feel it.
And, so it's again I'm understanding how you felt this day.
....that is, if that's really what happened.
My heart can't take it.
I don't want to mirror your pain because it hurts to much; I don't want to know you EVER felt this way for a moment let alone a moment too long.
Tonight we're supposed to be 'celebrating'.
My dad gets his 23 year sobriety chip and I get a measly 6 months; if you can even constitute my other destructions as 'remaining sober'.
I can't celebrate.
I can't be happy.
I can't feel.
I want to go to your memorial, but I can't; I'm obligated elsewhere.
I don't want to do this anymore, Earl.
I've never written you a letter like this, but it's just tearing me to pieces.
..please forgive me for wanting to be near you.
I thought about what I'd wear tonight for the celebration - something dressy, something nice.
But, no, I just decided. Even though it barely fits and is so faded and warped, I'm going to wear my green Fox Riders hoodie and pretend it's your hug.
Call me pathetic, but we always knew I was a little off.
.....I miss you.

Love,
Kristie.



________________


God, I hate November.

The questions, the daydreams;
They run rampant through the year.
But, the vision's painted stronger;
As it builds from every tear.
I don't believe it all my fault,
Or think I could have changed things.
But, I still can't help my wishing
I'd held tighter to your strings.
Hindsight leads me backward;
I could not expect a different scene.
I just wonder.
Picture.
Imagine--if you will..
To tell you, "You are seen."
If you walked the world today,
Lived every tomorrow;
Our time then was not as precious;
Not now recalled in sorrow.
You were his best friend.
Thanks to me, we missed our chance.
We would have made that bond, too.
I just collapsed after that dance.
I pushed away.
I always do.
What if I hadn't?
I could have learned you.
Would we have kept on rolling,
With a bond to this mutual kid?
Would we have stayed the jokesters, or
Would I be one you'd want to rid?
Would we have stayed the rugged fun,
Where on my pushes, you shoved?
Would we still poke fun at his quirky ears?
Would you have know that you were loved?

I wish I would've talked longer,
When he'd hand you the phone--
Let the dogs out, run downstairs;
Would you still have felt alone?
Those moments are like gold to me;
I wish I'd thought that of them then.
But, you cannot grasp the value of Life.
When you're only four years beyond ten.
He was the closest that I'd gotten;
What if I hadn't been so afraid?
What if I'd tried a little harder.
To know you; would you have stayed?

The Dixie Chicks,
It was just their joke.
And, now I choke;
On words, on bricks.
I know that it meant nothing;
You'd laugh and join in, too.
But now, those laughs aren't funny
From this warped and tainted view.
I'll never know these "would have's", "could have's";
But, I wish I knew the past.
Did you decide to end the pain?
Or did a mistake just move too fast?

I wish you knew you had been noticed,
Not just overlooked like all the rest.
I saw the boy.  I felt the emptiness.
A vacant, barren chest.
Maybe I was just "his girl",
But, I saw through to you.
I would stand in silence, buzz all around;
Wanting to ask what I could do.
What if I'd shown you my heart?
Would it have already been too late?
Had the world crushed you beyond repair,
Before I ever knew your name?
I hate this feeling--the one that knows,
I saw something no one would.
I could've helped you hang on longer;
Give you the strength from where I stood.
I fell into fear of a "he and I";
Sabotaged.  It's what I do.
But hurting him, hurts his best friend;
So, it's my fault for losing you.

Like others, I still see your face;
Your voice is heard in dark November.
It lived inside my phone--my uncommon place;
And, yet, yours I know I'll remember.
The night we all gathered,
Barely ten minutes can I recall.
See all your photos, some faces,
Then suddenly I see nothing at all.
For as much as I yearn to see you now,
I'm glad I hadn't seen you that night.
My last memory must be the one with the smile.
You're so Alive. Awake. So bright.
I do wish something differently, though.
I wish I could have stayed there longer.
My body was there, my mind closed out.
You deserved more of my honor.
Before long, my body too was absent,
Unable to endure.
I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.
All my actions were all a blur.
I know you really weren't there either,
You're not mad at me or hurt.
But, it still feels wrong--like I confirmed your pain,
Or didn't give what you were worth.
The same way I know I could not have "saved you",
Though, if I could've, I would have tried.
We were only kids.
We're still just kids.
And, who's to say just why you died?

The image I see?:  Green.  Fox Racers.  Dark.
Sometimes I see myself the same.
Too much the same.
Playing the same game.
So often certain: I'll go the same.
And now, I feel it's secrets that separate us.
Yet, I believe secrets are what killed you.
Now all I can think is my running from him,
Ensured you'd have no one to run to.
I don't know if others have forgotten.
I never could; I'll forever remember.
Feel it throughout the year, most in winter...
…just, God, I hate November.



_{the same poem is here:}
God, I hate November.
God, I hate November.
The questions, the daydreams;
They run rampant through the year.
But, the vision’s painted stronger;
As it builds from every tear.
I don’t believe it all my fault,
Or think I could have changed things.
But, I still can’t help but wishing
I’d held tighter to your strings.
Hindsight leads me backward;
I could not expect a different scene.
I just wonder.
Picture.
Imagine - if you will..
To tell you, 'You are seen.'
If you walked the world today,
Lived every tomorrow;
Our time then was not as precious;
Not now recalled in sorrow.
You were his best friend.
Thanks to me, we missed our chance.
We would have made that bond, too.
I just collapsed after that dance.
I pushed away.
I always do.
What if I hadn’t?
..I could have learned you.
Would we have kept on rolling,
With a bond to this mutual kid?
Would we have stayed the jokesters, or
Would I be one you’d want to rid?
Would we have stayed the rugged fun,
Where on my pushes

was yesterday!

_{i won't get my chip for a little while because i like getting them at a different one-a-month meeting where my dad attended rehab.
when that happens, i'll post pictures}

sorry i'm not very active,
i've been doing soooo much stuff outside,
living at barnes and noble,
doing art,
therapy work...
LISTENING TO LOTSSS OF MUSIC
_[exhausted]

it's also been a month filled with ER visits,
stitches,
a local shooting,
unusual family activity,
brutal arguments with my dad,
police,
and all sorts of hullaballoo.
so i'm a bit maxed.



but!
i'm new to last.fm
and don't know much about it.
but my account's www.last.fm/user/motionlesSndt…
_{YOU MUST FORGIVE MY ENDLESS PLAYLIST OF MOVIE SCORES I PLAY FOR HOURS WHILE SLEEPING THAT I FORGET TO TURN OFF MY 'SCROBBLING' SYNC TO iTUNES TO.}


anywho, i should do some features or something despite my exhaustion:
_{sorry they aren't neatly organized, i'm sleepy;
and it's a pretty accurate reflection of my mixed emotions and inability to express myself.}

i just got my official 30day/1month chip tonight.
my dad's hand-me-down chip eight days ago definitely served its purpose,
but this one is extra-special for a different reason.
this is my *own*, from my work, my dedication ^_^
<sub>[aah, and it's metal, too

ha, instead of the poker chip! lolz!]</sub>










aannnd?
this is the *back* of the 30day/1month chip i just mentioned.
(the serenity prayer, of course.)







if you click on those photos, it'll take you to my FB where they're posted.
and you can comment/'like' there if you'd like
(just because i'll likely get to them faster.


eek.
exciting schtuff.

i'm not the "giddy excited" like in:

and more a mix of
and
and an internal self-worth movement going:



it's a serious matter,
and i'm amazed to have achieved it.
yes, i'm at 37 days now,
and i couldn't have done it without you.
so?
i had to share with you my moment of pride.