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.. mind collapsing in on itself ..

Journal Entry: Mon Feb 8, 2010, 11:26 PM


and sometimes i worry:
with all of this hiding,
and this drowning,
and these deadly darkening thoughts,
...how long i'll make it.

[i never meant to hide, but i'll never tell the truth.]

half a truth?: i'm scared.
the other half: i'm too numb to care.

this is much too much.
and i'm much too tired.




:thumb149003709: - - :thumb150869718:



Veroniq by jarrod343 - It leaves me colder... by MarinStefan - iyvkhl by Santina



:thumb150977451: - Bubble girl. by magnesina - :thumb113386173:



:thumb138060773: - :thumb144201350: - asdf by anja-onopiuk



- i never did realize by bailey--elizabeth - :thumb138377325:



- :thumb150988467: - Memories.. by Khomenko



Heavy water by czas - We Had Everything by DeBally - Winter Beauty by Dante121

:tribute::tribute::tribute:



Wind of Fall by Fragoline - Doll parts by houseofwolves - Playing With Bones by CameraDude



Eyeing The Distance by escaped-emotions - Void by czas - :thumb152645446:



- Our luck changed by iNeedChemicalX - _Day old Hate 02. by josefinejonssonphoto



:tribute::tribute::tribute:



:thumb153416765: - Orchid by Fragoline -   Magda. by Affchen



:thumb153371647: - Nina mala by melissacampa - Sing softly by Soyismyhomeboy



memoir by LittleFlair - MyNameIsWinter.MagdalenaWinter by joannarasta - :thumb151122790:



Tan fragil by melissacampa - I can't by rosesforher - :thumb152562669:





:tribute::tribute::tribute::tribute::tribute::tribute::tribute::tribute::tribute:

Add a Comment:
 
:iconmagnesina:
magnesina Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2010  Professional Photographer
so proud to be here with all those amazing photographs! thank you! :blowkiss:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2010  Student General Artist
well, i assure you the your photograph helped make the collection as beautiful :)
Reply
:iconsuperabs144:
Superabs144 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010
Splendid.
You are splendid and can get through anything.
And you can pick lovely features. :D
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
aw, goodness .. thank yo on both account :hug:
Reply
:iconhouseofwolves:
houseofwolves Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Professional Photographer
Thank you SO much, such a beautiful collection!
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
you're very very welcome :aww:
and your piece certainly helped MAKE it a beautiful collection! :heart:
Reply
:iconhouseofwolves:
houseofwolves Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2010  Professional Photographer
:heart:
I really appreciate it, hon!
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2010  Student General Artist
:hug: i'm glad :)
Reply
:iconmelissacampa:
melissacampa Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010
Thank you! I love your selection, each one of them is charming
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
aw, you're so very very welcome .. and the collection wouldn't be as lovelie without your work as well :aww:
Reply
:iconangiexpants:
AngieXPants Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
Your so poetic, even through pain. ):

I really, really hope things clear up for you. You dont deserve this. :hug:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
thank you sweetly.
that's so kind of you :hug:
all of my love.
Reply
:iconangiexpants:
AngieXPants Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
Its no problem. :hug:
Reply
:iconczas:
czas Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
youre very welcome :hug:
Reply
:iconoctoberazriel:
OctoberAzriel Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Just want to say thank you... for everything...
And I'm sorry if any of these thoughts were brought on by me.
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
oh goodness dear, no no no! i want to take that thought out of you right away.
i've been .. i've been growing in these feelings for 3wks now and this past one they've just peaked to high extremes.
i haven't felt like this in a very veryy long time.

but it has nothingnothingnothing to do with you love.
i'm sure you can imagine what stirred all of these things up for me.
Reply
:iconoctoberazriel:
OctoberAzriel Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Alright, I just worried...
Hope you feel better. And I know I've been doing
a lot of the talking but I'm here for listening
too. Don't know what help I'll be but I'll try.
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
don't worry about it love.
we'll be a-okay.
and i promise to get to your note. i'm super lagging behind
Reply
:iconoctoberazriel:
OctoberAzriel Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
It's alright Kristie. It's not anything you
need to rush for. I understand.:hug:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
:hug::hug:
Reply
:iconoctoberazriel:
OctoberAzriel Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconzaratops:
Zaratops Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Professional Photographer
Thank you for the feature. This is a lovely collection. :heart:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
you're very very welcome :nod:
and it wouldn't be near as lovelie without your piece as well darling :aww:
Reply
:iconzaratops:
Zaratops Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Professional Photographer
:heart:
Reply
:icongokhanbartu:
gokhanbartu Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010
thanks :)
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
you're very welcome :aww:
Reply
:iconineedchemicalx:
iNeedChemicalX Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010
Wow.


Thank you.
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
of course, silly :giggle:
you know you're no stranger to gracing my journals! ^^;
Reply
:iconbantainc:
BantaInc Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010
I :heart: this post, and you and knowing that you're still here.

"half a truth?: i'm scared.
the other half: i'm too numb to care.

this is much too much.
and i'm much too tired."


I think I've felt that. I can connect to that. That resonates in me.

One of the first things I ever said to you was that I got the impression that all the things you've faced and survived are much bigger than anything I've ever had to deal with. I don't mean that to devalue myself or my life, but just to say that I see SO much significance in yours.

Renee [link] makes the remark in the 2 Year video that there is a lot value in the fight. And if you believe that, that there is value in the struggle, then I'd like to think that makes you really priceless.
:santa:

-Zach B.

:iconisaydanceplz:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
thanks zach... i really really needed to hear that.
i feel like (especially as of recently) like the moment i decided i was steady enough to really rise above and break free of the throes of all i'd been through before,
all this equally as horrific things slapped me in the face.
instead of freedom, i got a release with a side of captivity.
i try to assume it was just a fluke, bad irony in a situation.
but it's so hard not to draw conclusions that thissss, was all you were meant to live.
stuck, in pain, in grief, and a failure.

and see, i haven't thought those those -- been THAT defeated in a good year and a half.
i was going strong.

and mannn did that hit me hard with some of the most defeating thoughts i didn't ever wish to revisit.
it's intense and frightening.
and yet, so much so that i just can't even care.
like i'm tired of caring at all.
and then that scares me.
so i'm back to being afraid.
but still not at all.

the viscous cycle never ends :(
Reply
:iconbantainc:
BantaInc Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010
While I can't relate to your situation directly, the feelings you're conveying are closer to my heart than anything else on this earth.


“and mannn did that hit me hard with some of the most defeating thoughts i didn't ever wish to revisit.
it's intense and frightening.
and yet, so much so that i just can't even care.
like i'm tired of caring at all.
and then that scares me.
so i'm back to being afraid.
but still not at all.

the viscous cycle never ends”


Last Monday I felt that, or something close to it. I was just overwhelmed with a wave of depression. Just that horrible sinking feeling that things could not possibly get better. That the same repeating cycle of hills and valleys, and even deeper valleys, would just wear me down until I broke. I don’t know why, but since then… a lot has changed. This is completely unlike me (in the past) but I really attribute it to a God that is sovereign and loving. A God still in the business of redemption. Recently I’ve shared my story with a number of people I’ve grown close to, and I’m fighting to not fail in school, and I’m fighting to create a life for myself worth living in. And I really really can relate to the place you’re describing, not for the same reasons, but as far as I can tell, I am well acquainted with that spot.

My boy Damion has a song that goes:

“I built my home on the sinking sand,
Till the rains came down to reclaim the land.
And I been living on one good trick,
I been well adjusted to being sick.”

And out of all his songs, that one line hit me hardest. Just… the lifestyle and feeling of helplessness, of being an “invalid”.

But things feel different now… things feel really good. I’ve checked myself back into treatment/counseling, and I’m really optimistic about how things might pan out this time. I’ve got more support than I’ve ever had before, I’m more self-aware than I’ve ever been before, and I really feel like the sun will rise tomorrow.

And what I’m trying to get at is that I feel these words you’ve put down, I really do. More than anything I wish I could convey this message to you: [link]

That blog post was not from anonymous. It was from a guy named Rich (I learned this while I was in FL) and he sent it to Jamie Tworkowski during a time where Jamie was failing to reach out to his friends and family. This was AFTER Jamie started twloha. It was only a couple months ago. What Jamie and Rich said while they were on stage was that the reason they mention that blog post, is it got more feedback and attention than any other twloha blog post…. ever. So, to me, that kinda says two things. One, even Jamie is human and desperately needs other peoples support. Two, that the message Rich wrote is beautiful. Not just because I love it, but because it hit home with many other people.

I’d encourage you to check out the many comments people left on that post. They’ll probably look familiar to a lot of the feedback that you get here on dA :)

The second half of that blog post, I just want you to know I really really truly honest to God mean it when I say it now:

I am not trying to make you feel better. This fucking hurts, and there are no two ways around it.
But I am trying to encourage you to not retreat. I can't remove the pain, but I am going to hold your hand while it hurts.

Continue to reach out. You need people right now.

I'm here for anything you need.

You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine. In ways that don't depend on you. In ways that don't depend on your performance. In ways that cannot be lost. Remember Remember Remember.

Love you my friend.

-Zach

:hug:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
i couldn't possibly reply to all of your thoughts here if i tried, but i promise that i read them all. i currently have six notes and a mass amount of comments and i know that one note is yours.
so for not i'm going to read the blog and hear it as if it were your additional thoughts in my direction. please don't think for a second that becuase my dA inbox has become unmanageable no matter HOW many hours i stay here daily, that i don't care about what you share with me any less.
quite the opposite.
incredibly.
Reply
:iconescaped-emotions:
escaped-emotions Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Professional Photographer
Oh, wow. This is one incredible collection of photographs, I love them all, thank you so much for adding mine to it, I'm honestly flattered. :hug:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
well of course you're welcome! you're work is also incredible and you're so deserving of being included with them :aww:
believe it!!
Reply
:iconescaped-emotions:
escaped-emotions Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Professional Photographer
:blush: :hug: Thank you thank you! :hug:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
trulyyyy welcome :nod: :giggle:
Reply
:iconmarinstefan:
MarinStefan Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010   Photographer
Thank yooou!:heart:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
you're truly welcome
Reply
:iconrosesforher:
rosesforher Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010
thanks for featuring me, these photos are amazing!
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
aw, goodness, you are SO welcome.
and might i add to your comment of "these photos are amazing"
ahem, you, my dear, are one of them.
:nod:
Reply
:icondomism:
DomiSM Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Professional Digital Artist
Oh sweetie, you so need to rest, more than anything :( I just wish I knew how to tell you to do that...it's so hard to turn off thoughts. Mine are with you...wishing I could reach out my hand to you and let you hold on as tightly as you need to.
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
aww, your sentiments are so dear.
i have been failing at coherent thought at these hours, yet here i am, however many hours later . aaaaawake.
your care and love and so dear to me.
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconmariashade:
MariaShade Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You always manage to find the perfect pictures.
:hug:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
i find the ones that grab my heart :heart:
i'm glad that you appreciate them too :hug:
Reply
:iconmariashade:
MariaShade Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconaestheticmourn:
aEstHeticMourn Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010
Thank you.
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
your'e very welcome :hug:
Reply
:iconzuckerwatte:
Zuckerwatte Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010
thaaank you so much, love! :heart::kiss:
Reply
:iconcarvingbackbone:
carvingbackbone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Student General Artist
you're so very welcome
Reply
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